What You Felt

"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"Are you in love with me?"
"No."

That conversation took place weeks ago but you still remember it, still feel the way you felt when you hugged her for the last time. For you, the world revolved around that day. Your world revolved around that day.

You cannot stop feeling the pain. It is part of you, part of your life now. There is no happiness for you now, no reason to be happy now. Why be happy, after all, when you were rejected why be happy when your world crashed on that day, came to a grinding halt that you do not feel like fixing? Why should you be happy when she does not care anymore, does not even think of you anymore?

You are not worthy of her, not worthy of being with her. You do not deserve to be her friend, to have the happiness, the pleasure of being around her. You do not deserve to see her smile, to feel her tight embrace as she wraps her arms around you. You do not deserve anything.

“Stupid. Not good enough. Idiotic kid.”

The words run through your head everyday. You have no control over them but you know they are true. You know that you have no hopes now, no dreams that you can share with anyone. Why would you be intelligent too? Why be good at anything at all?

You give up on life; give up on living and doing anything worth being remembered. How you live is not important now, never to be important ever again. If she does not care then that is how she feels. Yet, you do not care either. Is it because you no longer care to live?

Now that you do not care you finally notice it, finally see the dull monotony that every day has became. Each day blends into the next, never changing and always taking too much time to pass. This pattern never seems to end and yet you do nothing to change it.

Everyday you do the same thing, pretending to be happy even though it hurts so much. It exhausts you to smile, pretending to be well even though seeing her makes you feel sick now. You are tired of this old mask of yours but do you really want to leave it behind?

When you are alone you let it go. Your anger, your fear and your sad desperation comes out in invisible tears, that calm hideaway disappearing in your silent screams.

By yourself now, all alone in your room you cannot hold it back. So you look away and you let the suicidal thoughts flow. You let it run down your skin, unable to stop the gleaming scarlet river. You watch it, entranced by the deadly beauty and too focused on it to go deeper.

Stroke by stroke, day by day you do this to the beat of the past. Again and again, you work bloody art into your skin, never paying much attention to the pain you inflict on your body. No, you are too distracted by conflicting emotions to be concerned about your body.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You wonder everyday if the grave would suit you better than a school uniform. You wonder and yet you do nothing. You have friends but you would rather not put them in such a position. After all, they do not need to feel as you do, suffer as you have.

No, you will not let them know, if only because you do not want to be told that everything is fine.